Chris's African Lion Safari
by taser10000
Summary: Hilarity ensues when Chris and Sheva undertake on the one mission that will test their patience for each other and the strange and illogical tendencies they both possess... much to the others chagrin.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil

* * *

Chris Redfield hated Africa, the sun was too overpowering and the dry wind sucked whatever moisture his skin managed to retain. However the main reason he hated the country was due to the fact that ever since he arrived here an ominous feeling of doom and disaster washed over him; shaking off his common life preserving instincts he exited his overly foreign vehicle.

"You must be Redfield" inquired a definite female voice, hiding a sigh he turned around and faced what he surmised to be his new partner.

"I'm Sheva Alomar, your new partner" she exclaimed honestly offering her hand in a greeting fashion.

"Interesting, my last partner was a woman" Chris replied, wondering how long she would survive on the journey that was now confirmed to bad in his mind due to her introduction.

"Really, what happened to her?"

"She fell 30 stories or more to her presumable death" he replied in a nostalgic tone, his eyes glazed over as he replayed the same damn memory again for the 20th time that day, not noticing that his "partner" was giving him a slightly mortified look.

"I'm-m real-ly sorry to hear that, hopefully that won't happen again" she replied nervously, trying to inject some humor into the awkward conversation that Chris had just created.

"Yeah! Hopefully it won't, after all she was just more experienced than you, better trained, more familiar with the situation…. " he stated while cheerfully laughing.

"O-KKkk, how about we just go and collect our gear" Sheva said quickly, not at all liking that area the weird discussion was heading in, not waiting for him reply she started walking briskly towards their destination.

"Uppity bitch" Chris muttered as he followed her at a snails pace, feeling that this would be the last time in a long while that he could actually walk and not run. He didn't even notice that he had walked into a small crowd of people who were playing African polo with bats and a squirming bag as substitutes for the proper equipment.

"Fucking bag! Stupid thing got blood allover my new Playless shoes" he shouted as he repeatedly stamped on the moving container until it stopped… moving. The small crowd just started at him in shock and Sheva's jaw dropped at the barbaric act that had just occurred.

"What are you looking at asshole?!" Chris shouted at a nearby villager that been beating the moving bag just moments ago, after not getting an answer he gave him a rib shattering kick and proceeded to walk on him to his destination, making sure his heel crushed the fallen mans trachea along the way.

"Bitches" he muttered as he gave them the entire crowd the finger without turning back, just to display how awesome he was.

"What the fuck was that!" Sheva screamed as he approached, pointing to the two dead bodies that were now in the street.

"I was reminiscing about the past when that stupid bag got blood all over my brand new shoes! I just bought them for fifty bucks! Do you have any idea how rare a deal that was?!" he shouted in response pointing at his bloodied sneakers with the words "Nehike" and an inverted swoosh, his tone clearly an indication of him not liking the way she was going holier-than-thou on him.

"Are you out of your mind, your in BSAA uniform! What if someone videotaped you or took pictures?"

"Relax, you act like they have technology in this mud heap" he said flippantly making a shooing gesture with his hands.

Sheva took a deep breath, raising her fingers to her temples to ward off the oncoming headache. "I'm going to pretend I did not hear _that_, let's just go get our gear and do our mission without any civilian **causalities, **is that _clear?_"

"Sorry, I wasn't even paying attention. I was just wondering where the hell everyone went?" Chris said as he gestured behind him letting her see the absence of activity, even the bloodied body bag Chris kicked was gone.

"That's not… normal" she murmured as she surveyed the area, then she reasoned that they must have fled due to outburst that Chris had displayed.

"Look never mind that just follow me" she explained as she lead him to an unlocked door and opened it.

"Look out!" Chris shouted as he pushed her down and drew back his arm on the unsuspecting man leaning on the wall.

"FALLLCOOONNN--"

"No Wait! I'm not an enem-"

"PUNCHHHHHHH!" Chris shouted as he buried his fist in the man's rib cage and was rewarded with the sound of breaking ribs for the second time that day.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, THAT'S OUR CONTACT!" Sheva screamed as she was treated to another display of gratuitous violence in less than ten minutes courtesy of one Chris Redfield.

"Can't you tell, he's clearly a member of Al Qaeda" Chris stated as he defended his actions. He turned and pointed at the gasping man while pulling out his mobile. "You're going to Guantanamo fucker!" he said while attempting to text someone.

"Fucc-cc-k yo-ou!"

"Chris, he's Egyptian Coptic you moron!" Sheva shouted as she tried to help the man, sadly he had already faded into unconsciousness. "Great now how are we going to locate our weapons?" she asked in frustration.

"You mean the ones in the open glimmering metal box on the table" Chris said has he pointed toward the table. Noticing that there noting she could really do for the contact she left him in the most comfortable position one could for a man who just had half his ribs fractured and collected her weapons while shooting her partner dirty looks.

"I will take point! You will follow me, and shoot only what I shoot; do you understand?!" Sheva commanded as she turned around after loading her gun, what she found however was that Chris was already exiting and moving forward without her.

"Chris! Wait for me!" she cried as she chased him, more fearful of what havoc he could unleash with an actual weapon.

* * *

Unknown to both of them a villager had captured Chris's grand entrance into Kijuju with his state-of-the-art 20 mega-pixel camera phone and had posted it on to Youtube with the title "BSAA member terrorizes village and kills two men" the video only showing Chris's actions and not the others prior to his interference, it basically insinuated to the viewer that Chris had put the man in the bag and killed him and then murdered the armed villager who people assumed was there to "defend" the man in the body bag.

The video had already garnered 50 thousand hits.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil or any of the media outlets listed in the story

* * *

"What's that coming over the hill is it a monster? Is it a monster?"

"Chris would you shut the hell up!" cried Sheva as she was forced to listen to a horribly off-key rendition of the fabled Automatic single.

"Well excusuuusee me, princess!"

"Would you stop saying that as well?! Whenever I try to give a suggestion or advice you just respond with that redundant sentence!"

"Well excusuuusee me, princ-"

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

Elsewhere

A slender feminine hand rose from the confines of the silk sheets that encompassed her and her partner, the red nail-polish shimmering in the darkness. Quickly she snagged a rectangular object and pressed a button, the widescreen television flickering to life and lighting up the room with a incandescent glow, soon she found herself channel surfing when she stumbled across a very interesting story, one that was bound to be quite significant to her partner.

"Leon, wake up" she said softly, while shaking him gently.

"Ada?" he said as he rubbed the remnants of sleep away with his hands, concern written across his face. What's wrong?"

"I think you should look at this" she said as she pointed at the screen

Leon's eyes widened as he took in the latest news report from the BBC correspondent in Africa, mentally wincing at the repercussions the story would have.

"Is it only on this station or are the other ones covering it as well?" he asked as he flipped to CNN

CNN

Reporter- I love Obama so much!

Guest 1- No! I love him more!

Guest 2- I would fuck Obama!

At the bottom in crawling text, you see the report "BSAA abuses power in Africa" zoom by in half a second.

"Okkkk, lets try Fox News" he said as he flipped to another all-round news network.

Fox News

Reporter- Fuck Obama!

Guest 1- I know, that motherfucker!

Guest 2- I would fuck him up, that fucker!

"Screw it" Leon uttered as he changed the channel back to BBC. "I should give Claire a call" he said as he turned to Ada, finding that she had already dialed the number for him before pressing the phone in his hand.

"Thanks" he said as he gave her a chaste kiss on the forehead

"It's nice to be the bystander sometimes, this is one of those times" she said as she pressed herself against his side.

"Let's hope Claire sees it the same way" Leon said grimly.

* * *

"My dream is to fly, over the rainbow. So High!"

"Good God! Would you just shut the FUCK UP! You're completely destroying any semblance of stealth we possess!"

* * *

"Claire Redfield speaking" the redhead said as she answered her vibrating phone.

"Hi Leon! It's been a while! …..What about Chris? Haha very funny…. On camera you say… Oh God you're serious aren't you?" She stopped talking, and Leon assumed that she was in shock but the cry for help informed him of what really happened.

"Aunty come quickly! Claire fainted!" cried the distressed voice of Rani.

* * *

"Oh Chris, you're such a bad, bad boy" said a very **male **voice as he watched the video depicting the entrance of his former subordinate.

"You're so lonely aren't you" he cooed to his framed picture, his finger tracing over the subjects face.

"Don't worry; you won't be lonely for long. I guarantee it, hahahahahah-!"

"Albert are you in here?" echoed an annoying female voice.

"Sh-h-uut up woman, don't come in here I'm busy!" he stuttered as his alone time was ruined.

"What are you doing in there?"

"Nothing! So don't come in here or I will kill you!" he said venomously.

"Fine! Be that way!" she said, frustrated that the object of her desire was content on locking himself in various room alone

"Now where were we….?" He asked his life-sized Chris blowup doll.

* * *

"Why did you just shiver violently?" Sheva inquired

"I don't know, suddenly I don't feel like singing anymore" Chris said much to the delight of his partner.

"Look through the window, it seems likes their having a gathering" Sheva said as they moved into a local dwelling.

"Who knows what those savages brutes are plotting" Chris murmured as he stared at the scene, earning gaze filled with irony at him calling others savage brutes.

* * *

"_Listen my people, we have toiled in the hot sun for this Tricell company and still they abuse us_" a spectacled wearing man voiced into his microphone, addressing the assembled people gathered.

"_We were planning on executing that suspected drug dealer, but it seems he has slipped through our grasps_."

* * *

"So I was going to my inn when I saw you on the ground and I thought to myself that this was totally a What-Would-Jesus-Do moment" a blonde haired woman said as she drove out of Kijuju.

"He would have healed me with his divine powers" grumbled Reynard.

"So I though that it was only right that I drive you to the hospital, even though the closest one is at the U.N camp 90km away; I didn't want to but then I thought that I might go to hell and I don't want to go to hell because its for bad people like Hitler and Tom Cruise"

"I'm already **in** hell" her passenger said not knowing that both of their lives were spared due to the actions of Chris Redfield.

* * *

"_So now we focus on a more important matter, that being our request for better work conditions and a proper health program for our women and children_" the glasses wearing man said, his statements earning cheers of approval.

"_Also, we will not stand idle while they take our village and turn it into their own personal experimental playground!_" he shouted, riling up the crowd "_Look at what they did to little Mosha!_" he pointed to a massive figure wielding a cumbersome axe.

"_The only job he can do now is cutting down the harvest with his axe, we deserve better my friends. That is why I have a petition here that I want everyone to sign_" the man said as he held up a long list of paper.

"_Everyone line up properly and sign the petiti-_" his speech was interrupted by the bullet exiting through the back of his skull.

* * *

"Chris what the hell are you doing?!" screamed Sheva as their position was compromised by her trigger happy partner.

"What ever their talking about can't be good and that guy looked like the brains of the operation" Chris said as he defended his actions

"Chris, you just alerted a mob of people to _our_ **location **by shooting their leader, do you not see the problem here?" Sheva said slowly, punctuating her statements as though she were talking to a child.

"No, not really. Why?"

Sheva gave up trying to reason with him and started barricading the door and windows for the oncoming onslaught.

* * *

Thats it for chapter 2! Please review! (Hey that rhymed!)


	3. Chapter 3

On with chapter 3! Sorry for the delay! I was out of the country for quite sometime.

* * *

"Excella, do you mind getting the fuck off me?"

"But why? Alby" voiced the poorly dressed woman.

"Reason One: I don't like you. Reason Two: I really don't fucking like you."

"Well! That didn't stop you from enjoying that blowjo-"

'_Attention we have arrived at our destination!'_ The ships automated speakers blared

"There was a reason I asked you to turn off the light" Wesker replied remembering clutching a certain photo during the session and imagining that it was a certain someone else.

Excella finally relented in her advances, making sure her unsupported chest bounced quite nicely while doing so, Wesker did _not_ appreciate the action.

* * *

Sheva decided life was unfair when all the enemies started rushing to her like she emitted her own gravitational field. She shot one in the leg and utilized a stylish back flip kick to down him along with others… only to have him rise almost unscathed and rush back to repay her for her actions. What really ticked her off was that Chris seemed to be made of stone and any person who lumbered towards him had their heads exploded by his fists which seemed to possess Herculean strength and his uncanny aim which was mainly crotch shots always hit their mark.

What Sheva had failed to realize was that her stylish attacks were only stylish and not really all that effective. Chris used brute force which for some strange reason to Sheva seemed to work better than her own 'cool' attacks. Unfortunately her internal monologue came at the price of attention and one of the villagers scored a critical hit, her pulse quickened and her vision faded to red.

"Chris!" She cried for some unknown reason.

"For Fucks Sake!" came his exasperated reply as he started shooting, punching, stepping, and uppercutting his way towards her, soon he was right beside her surrounded by dead bodies.

"Chris I need a herb!"

"No, don't be a baby! You just need this!" and at that he playfully tousled her hair.

Almost crying at the thought that she would die because of her partners stupidity she was pleasantly surprised when her vision cleared and her erratic pulse stabilized.

"What the fuck…..."

Then the wall exploded.

* * *

"What the hell is she doing here Leon?" Claire angrily asked as the object of her ire approached clutching the object of her onetime (and continuing) affection.

"Ada insisted that she come" Leon replied, not liking the filthy glare directed at him.

"I was simply concerned, this is after all an international incident" Ada's melodious voice rang out in the small entrance, her serene smile invoking more emotion from the girl.

"Your really pretty lady!" Rani voiced, immediately breaking the tension that permeated the area and forever endearing herself to Leon's good books.

"My name is Ada, and you're quite cute yourself." Ada said, bending down towards the young girl in a gesture of politeness. "What's your name sweetie?"

"My name is Rani, would you like to come in? My auntie said it was rude to not invite guests inside" She replied, clasping her hands in front of her and pivoting her body from side to side in a expression of childish shyness.

"It's nice to see that some people have proper manners" Ada said while looking at Claire with that ever so graceful smile. Clutching Leon's arm she led them both inside, pausing to give Claire an impish wink.

Claire's response was the slam the door.

Loudly.

* * *

Chris was having a blast, shooting gasoline barrels and people seemed like a good way to really perk his day. Sheva did not share his opinion, but he soon remedied that by entrusting her with the new machine gun he had found, but there was still a problem though….

"Sheva, do you like the gun I gave you" He asked while shooting a villager

"Yes Chris it was nice" Sheva replied as she reloaded her pistol.

"Sheva can I see your pistol for a second?" He asked in his most professional voice, startled she handed him her weapon.

"Thanks" Chris then pretended to look carefully at the gun then ejected the unused clip and chucked the pistol as far as he could. Ignoring her dumbfounded expression he ripped the remaining pistol ammunition pouch from her Velcro belt.

After reloading his pistol he turned back to her and pointed over her shoulder towards the crowd of pissed off locals running towards them.

"Sheva use the fucking machine gun"

* * *

"Well, thanks for the wonderful conversation but I'm sure a spy and a secret service agent have more important matters to attend to"

"Claire, we've only been here for three minutes" Leon stated.

"Thank you LEON because I really wanted to hear your opinion on the matter" her fake smile scaring him more than any regenerators could.

"Your were a spy! Cool!" Rani's voice clearly showing her excitement

"I would not be so excited if I were you Rani, who knows what she would be for what she wants, after all you did work for Wesker" Claire stated accusingly.

"Well Claire, how many loose women bleed when they do it for the first time" Ada replied as she sipped her coffee. "Isn't that right Leon?"

Leon's reply was to 'accidentally' spit out his coffee.

Claire on the other hand was lying her way through Rani questions about 'bleeding' and 'first times'.

"Also you don't know Wesker as well as you might hope" Ada stated

"What is that supposed to mean?" Claire demanded, pausing in her explanation to curious Rani.

"Why do you think he's so obsessed with your brother?" Ada said as she leaned forward towards Claire. "Why do you think he has so many pictures, and videos of him?" she asked the ever paling girl.

"No, no, no, that can't be true" She said as she went over all the interactions she had with the man. Her disbelief taking a fearful dive when she thought of the ramifications the statement held for her brother.

"He has a life-sized blow up doll of him"

THUMP!

"Auntie! Claire fainted again!"

* * *

"Why won't this gate open?" Chris asked as he pushed on the metal frame for the tenth time in five minutes. All the hostiles had been dealt with and their progress was now halted by a simple gate.

"I thought that we were meant to have air support!" Sheva exclaimed, tired from the almost non stop combat.

"We were?" Chris asked, for he had not heard her request for backup

"Yes, where the fuck are they!" She shouted, throwing her hands out in a expression of anger.

Coincidently the whirring sound of helicopter blades filled the air when the extremely late and now useless cavalry arrived.

"Stand back I'm going to blow the gate!" the RPG holder shouted into the radio.

"No that's okay we took care of them ourselves" Chris replied to the soldier.

"Where the FUCK were you, you stupid ASSHOLE!" Sheva screamed, incensed that it had taken so long to get support.

"Don't worry I'll take care of them" the static filled voice responded

"Take care of WHAT? We killed all the enemies before you arrived you bastard!" She shrieked into her radio.

"All right take cover" they spied the man taking aim at the door.

"Go Fuck Yourself!"

Chris had enough sense to grab his partner who was beside her self in anger and take shelter behind some stalls.

The gunner fired and hit the gate…. which remained intact.

"All right we will meet you up ahead" the pilot said diverting the helicopter away from them.

Chris then approached the same gate he had trouble opening before and gently tapped it, to his surprise it swung open completely.

"Well that's convenient" he said, pausing only to look at the sweat falling through the valley of his partners heaving breasts.

"God hates me" she was eloquent in her brevity.

* * *

Well another chapter ended, also be sure to check out my new Zelda story! As always please review.


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